The current pending legislation in Tennessee to ban abortions after the baby is 20 weeks old is opposed by several factions. One of the arguments cited is that nearly all of the abortions in Tennessee occur before the 16th week of gestation. Therefore the proposed ban is superfluous and extraneous. One might even postulate that it is similar to regulations in 1917 banning airplanes from flying faster than 200 mph.
With all due respect and deference to our friends, some might recall that on the "same sex" discussion years ago a similar situation presented itself. When urged to propose and support a "one man, one woman" marriage amendment to the US Constitution, a Republican President demurred. He gave two reasons for his position. First, our society would never come to that point. For thousands of years marriage had been universally held to be between one man and one woman. That would not change.
His second argument was that the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) already defines marriage and it will protect against any same sex incursions. Reconsider our 200 mph airplane.
Aero technology advancements and expertise soon enabled routine flying speeds far in excess of the supposed "speed limit." The same thing happened, metaphorically to the marriage debate. Unforeseen changes in societal norms overwhelmed even legislative barriers and the country was presented with a fait accompli.
Regardless of one's position on same sex marriage, it does not result in dead babies. The 20 week abortion ban presents a gruesome possibility. Should so-called "abortion technology" proceed to the point that later abortions may be effected, a prohibition regarding that is not a superfluous or extraneous backstop.
And as an aside, anecdotal evidence of post viability abortions are easily located in stories of survivors and mothers who now feel that they were violated by the process. It may be "rare" but, like an airliner crash, it is devastating to those involved.
Tennessee and all states should implement a 20-week limit to abortions.
Thursday, April 20, 2017
Wednesday, April 19, 2017
Vernal Equinox
For those who do not know, VE is the day that the sun is directly over the equator on its way north go provide summer for the northern hemisphere and winter for the southern boys. It is also know as (AKA) the first day of spring.
You may wonder why I seem to have a fixation on the vernal equinox. To be frank, I do too. Then Easter came. Easter is celebrated on different dates every year. Did you ever wonder why?
Easter was "fixed" by the early church when someone realized that the Passover did not always fall on Friday. The full moon after or on the vernal equinox starts a 14 day countdown to Passover. It can be any day, which left the church with a minor conundrum because they wanted to celebrate the resurrection on a Sunday.
The date of Easter Day is usually the first Sunday after the first Full Moon occurring on or after the March equinox. This means that it can vary from March 22 to April 25, depending upon the phase of the moon. (I have always wanted to say that and have it be true.)
So the vernal equinox begins the countdown to Easter when the equinox and the full moon are not on a Sunday. If they are, Easter is here. If not, we wait for the full moon, then the next Sunday. This year the full moon, and also Passover was on April 11, a Tuesday. So Sunday, April 16 was Easter or Resurrection Day.
Aren't you glad to get that straightened out? Vernal equinox, then full moon, then Easter Sunday. Simple.
I heard a guy named J. John who commented that, "We are Easter Christians in a Good Friday world."
https://www.gotquestions.org/date-easter-determined.html
You may wonder why I seem to have a fixation on the vernal equinox. To be frank, I do too. Then Easter came. Easter is celebrated on different dates every year. Did you ever wonder why?
Easter was "fixed" by the early church when someone realized that the Passover did not always fall on Friday. The full moon after or on the vernal equinox starts a 14 day countdown to Passover. It can be any day, which left the church with a minor conundrum because they wanted to celebrate the resurrection on a Sunday.
The date of Easter Day is usually the first Sunday after the first Full Moon occurring on or after the March equinox. This means that it can vary from March 22 to April 25, depending upon the phase of the moon. (I have always wanted to say that and have it be true.)
So the vernal equinox begins the countdown to Easter when the equinox and the full moon are not on a Sunday. If they are, Easter is here. If not, we wait for the full moon, then the next Sunday. This year the full moon, and also Passover was on April 11, a Tuesday. So Sunday, April 16 was Easter or Resurrection Day.
Aren't you glad to get that straightened out? Vernal equinox, then full moon, then Easter Sunday. Simple.
I heard a guy named J. John who commented that, "We are Easter Christians in a Good Friday world."
https://www.gotquestions.org/date-easter-determined.html
Tax Returns and Marathons (One Political and One Not.)
There is a huge fuss about President Donald Trump not choosing to release his pre-Presidential tax returns. As I understand it, the Presidential returns will be audited immediately upon submission, so the wait to read them may be short.
Here is a question. Would you please show me your tax returns? I would be a little reluctant to show you mine. There is nothing to hide. It is just "nun o'yer bidness." On web sites that want to "get to know you" I always check the "Prefer not to disclose" box. If that is not available and I need to get past the question for some reason, I always check the lowest number available. Most of the time I hit that barrier, I just leave. Their loss in not knowing me.
So what legitimate reason does anyone, outside of Melania, have for asking to see Mister Trump's tax returns? (Pre-Presidency) He has not "enriched himself at the expense of taxpayers" as some claimants declare. If his deductions, etc. were illegitimate, the IRS will catch it. They are auditing it now. Does any protester think that he or she is better equipped to audit tax returns than the IRS?
They would not be pursuing a partisan objective, would they? No, never! New thought coming....
Break up the Kenyans. If ever a group of athletes have dominated their sport, it seems that the current dynasty in long distance, marathon running, Kenyans are it. In the 1920's with Babe Ruth and his crew of future Hall of Famers, the Yankees were in the World Series nearly every year and won most of them. They were so dominant that pundits were predicting the demise of Major League Baseball. Hence the call to "break up the Yankees," to save the sport.
A mini-version of that resurfaced in the late 50's and early 60's with Mantle and Maris and friends. Breaking news, the Yanks did not need to be "broken" by the powers of baseball. Natural forces accomplished that, twice or more.
But, even with the runs of the Bronx Bombers in retrospect, another dynasty has arisen and it seems to resist fading away. Every year, it seems, that the Boston Marathon is won by men and women from Kenya. In just the past 12 years, 15 of the winners have been from Kenya. If we add Ethiopia, east Africa has claimed 22 out of 24 championships. Russia and the USA have one each.
Are they "on something," or do they have a secret training regimen? One pundit years earlier suggested that they run through lion country. Those who survive training compete internationally. What ever it is, somebody ought to investigate and apply it to our sports teams. Pro basketball, particularly during the regular season, seems to have exhausted players jogging up and down the court. Maybe they are training for the marathon. They are not running as fast as marathoners.
Have a good day, and prepare for the cry, "Break up the Cubs!" Or as our friends on the South Side call, "Break up da Cubs."
Here is a question. Would you please show me your tax returns? I would be a little reluctant to show you mine. There is nothing to hide. It is just "nun o'yer bidness." On web sites that want to "get to know you" I always check the "Prefer not to disclose" box. If that is not available and I need to get past the question for some reason, I always check the lowest number available. Most of the time I hit that barrier, I just leave. Their loss in not knowing me.
So what legitimate reason does anyone, outside of Melania, have for asking to see Mister Trump's tax returns? (Pre-Presidency) He has not "enriched himself at the expense of taxpayers" as some claimants declare. If his deductions, etc. were illegitimate, the IRS will catch it. They are auditing it now. Does any protester think that he or she is better equipped to audit tax returns than the IRS?
They would not be pursuing a partisan objective, would they? No, never! New thought coming....
Break up the Kenyans. If ever a group of athletes have dominated their sport, it seems that the current dynasty in long distance, marathon running, Kenyans are it. In the 1920's with Babe Ruth and his crew of future Hall of Famers, the Yankees were in the World Series nearly every year and won most of them. They were so dominant that pundits were predicting the demise of Major League Baseball. Hence the call to "break up the Yankees," to save the sport.
A mini-version of that resurfaced in the late 50's and early 60's with Mantle and Maris and friends. Breaking news, the Yanks did not need to be "broken" by the powers of baseball. Natural forces accomplished that, twice or more.
But, even with the runs of the Bronx Bombers in retrospect, another dynasty has arisen and it seems to resist fading away. Every year, it seems, that the Boston Marathon is won by men and women from Kenya. In just the past 12 years, 15 of the winners have been from Kenya. If we add Ethiopia, east Africa has claimed 22 out of 24 championships. Russia and the USA have one each.
Are they "on something," or do they have a secret training regimen? One pundit years earlier suggested that they run through lion country. Those who survive training compete internationally. What ever it is, somebody ought to investigate and apply it to our sports teams. Pro basketball, particularly during the regular season, seems to have exhausted players jogging up and down the court. Maybe they are training for the marathon. They are not running as fast as marathoners.
Have a good day, and prepare for the cry, "Break up the Cubs!" Or as our friends on the South Side call, "Break up da Cubs."
Thursday, April 13, 2017
Little Notes to the Editor
4/10/17 Steve Cohen on marijuana: "In 100 years people will wonder why we were so petty about marijuana" Or in 100 years, people will look back on pot and compare it to cocaine. Why were they so dumb to not regulate it?
Judge Gorsuch. Rep stole nomination... Well, no other President nominated a candidate in his final year. The Obama effrontery was evident again in "demanding" to have his way, even on the way out. The tidal wave of EO are evidence.
Sarah Martin McConnell, Nashville
"At that time, Republican Senate leaders defiantly refused to hold a vote on any potential nomination during Obama's last year in office. Through this undemocratic and unprecedented block of a president's historical right to nominate, Senate Republicans flat-out cheated."
To paraphrase Elizabeth Barrett Browning , "How do I disagree with you? Let me count the ways." I guess we might agree on it being undemocratic. It was definitely republican...in this incarnation. However the next comment blows this all to smithereens. "Unprecedented" implies that such a thing has never happened before. Every newscast of the Gorsuch hearings and now confirmation refer back to the Obama judicial candidates being confirmed by the Nuclear Option. (NO)
Unprecedented might also apply to former President Obama nominating a SCOTUS justice in the final year of his term. Many outlets also reported that tidbit. So the refusal to consider an "out of the ordinary" nomination is not "stealing" the seat.
And were we to consider the ideology of the candidate and his predecessor, putting Judge Merrick into the seat would definitely be a coup comparable to stealing a seat for the liberals. (We are not supposed to consider the inclinations of judges, but it is hard not to notice the definite "bent" of the Obama candidates. But I degress.)
So if "flat-out cheating" means getting a candidate approved, I guess Ms. McConnell is right. But she neglected to mention that this is also not unprecedented. Oh yes, the Senate did not block former President Obama's right to nominate. He could have done so multiple times. The Senate deferred to the larger "precedent" of allowing a new President to nominate. (And speaking of precedent, how is Sen. Feinstein doing with the final year nomination. Her interrogation of Judge Gorsuch seemed to consist of a preponderance of concern for "precedents." She even suggested a "super precedent." Neither is in the Constitution, but who cares?)
Jim League
906 Avery Valley DR
Smyrna 37167
jim.league@gmail.com Please publish my email with any letter. Thank you for the consideration.
Day phone 615-810-8389 night phone 615-426-3532
Judge Gorsuch. Rep stole nomination... Well, no other President nominated a candidate in his final year. The Obama effrontery was evident again in "demanding" to have his way, even on the way out. The tidal wave of EO are evidence.
Sarah Martin McConnell, Nashville
"At that time, Republican Senate leaders defiantly refused to hold a vote on any potential nomination during Obama's last year in office. Through this undemocratic and unprecedented block of a president's historical right to nominate, Senate Republicans flat-out cheated."
To paraphrase Elizabeth Barrett Browning , "How do I disagree with you? Let me count the ways." I guess we might agree on it being undemocratic. It was definitely republican...in this incarnation. However the next comment blows this all to smithereens. "Unprecedented" implies that such a thing has never happened before. Every newscast of the Gorsuch hearings and now confirmation refer back to the Obama judicial candidates being confirmed by the Nuclear Option. (NO)
Unprecedented might also apply to former President Obama nominating a SCOTUS justice in the final year of his term. Many outlets also reported that tidbit. So the refusal to consider an "out of the ordinary" nomination is not "stealing" the seat.
And were we to consider the ideology of the candidate and his predecessor, putting Judge Merrick into the seat would definitely be a coup comparable to stealing a seat for the liberals. (We are not supposed to consider the inclinations of judges, but it is hard not to notice the definite "bent" of the Obama candidates. But I degress.)
So if "flat-out cheating" means getting a candidate approved, I guess Ms. McConnell is right. But she neglected to mention that this is also not unprecedented. Oh yes, the Senate did not block former President Obama's right to nominate. He could have done so multiple times. The Senate deferred to the larger "precedent" of allowing a new President to nominate. (And speaking of precedent, how is Sen. Feinstein doing with the final year nomination. Her interrogation of Judge Gorsuch seemed to consist of a preponderance of concern for "precedents." She even suggested a "super precedent." Neither is in the Constitution, but who cares?)
Jim League
906 Avery Valley DR
Smyrna 37167
jim.league@gmail.com Please publish my email with any letter. Thank you for the consideration.
Day phone 615-810-8389 night phone 615-426-3532
Tuesday, April 11, 2017
Perspective
I guess where you are makes a difference as to how you see things. A friend who was an Auburn fan fumed that the ball touched the ground on a purported catch by a Tennessee receiver a few years ago. As I viewed the play, it was clear that the receiver had control of the ball and then it touched the ground. That is the definition of a "catch."
Where you are "from" determines how you view things. Just recently, Senator Schumer (D-N.Y.) commented that Judge Gorsuch was just a stooge or a puppet of President Trump. He votes just like Trump wants him to, was the meaning of the comment.
I would respectfully challenge Senator Schumer to point out any substantiative difference between the SCOTUS votes of Justice Sonia Sotomayor or Justice Elena Kagan and former President Obama. If we are charging Presidents with nominating puppets, it would seem that our Democratic friends are hoist on their own petard.
But, the challenges that Judge Gorsush has been "biased" against different groups of people actually depends upon where one stands on the issue. For instance, the Hobby Lobby decision is cited as bad because he favored "big business" over the little guy. (Not sure where the little guy comes in here, as the defendant was Uncle Sam. Incidentally, the former Supreme Court agreed with Judge Gorsuch in their ruling.
So who is out of the mainstream? One might posit the idea that Schumer and his buddies are in a little tributary off to the left of the main stream. As Judge Gorsuch and the rest of the Supreme Court pass by, they appear, to Schumer to be "out of the stream." When he finds himself left behind, he may wake up.
Just on a whim, how many of Judge Gorsuch's decisions have been reversed by the SCOTUS?
http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2017/feb/12/neil-gorsuchs-opinions-never-overturned-by-supreme/
This link mentions one or two decisions that were reversed or sent back for rehearing. (On Wednesday (4/5/17) another one was overruled.) Judge Gorsuch participated in roughly 2,700 cases has written 240 opinions, including 175 majority opinions. For reference, Justice Sotomayor (Obama) was reversed at least nine times according to a quick survey of previous decisions.
Who is out of the mainstream? Maybe Schumer needs to swim back toward the center.
Oh, by the way, the instant replay official ruled the play a catch, as ruled on the field.
(Ed Note: Judge Gorsuch was confirmed (4/7) and sworn in (4/10).)
Where you are "from" determines how you view things. Just recently, Senator Schumer (D-N.Y.) commented that Judge Gorsuch was just a stooge or a puppet of President Trump. He votes just like Trump wants him to, was the meaning of the comment.
I would respectfully challenge Senator Schumer to point out any substantiative difference between the SCOTUS votes of Justice Sonia Sotomayor or Justice Elena Kagan and former President Obama. If we are charging Presidents with nominating puppets, it would seem that our Democratic friends are hoist on their own petard.
But, the challenges that Judge Gorsush has been "biased" against different groups of people actually depends upon where one stands on the issue. For instance, the Hobby Lobby decision is cited as bad because he favored "big business" over the little guy. (Not sure where the little guy comes in here, as the defendant was Uncle Sam. Incidentally, the former Supreme Court agreed with Judge Gorsuch in their ruling.
So who is out of the mainstream? One might posit the idea that Schumer and his buddies are in a little tributary off to the left of the main stream. As Judge Gorsuch and the rest of the Supreme Court pass by, they appear, to Schumer to be "out of the stream." When he finds himself left behind, he may wake up.
Just on a whim, how many of Judge Gorsuch's decisions have been reversed by the SCOTUS?
http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2017/feb/12/neil-gorsuchs-opinions-never-overturned-by-supreme/
This link mentions one or two decisions that were reversed or sent back for rehearing. (On Wednesday (4/5/17) another one was overruled.) Judge Gorsuch participated in roughly 2,700 cases has written 240 opinions, including 175 majority opinions. For reference, Justice Sotomayor (Obama) was reversed at least nine times according to a quick survey of previous decisions.
Who is out of the mainstream? Maybe Schumer needs to swim back toward the center.
Oh, by the way, the instant replay official ruled the play a catch, as ruled on the field.
(Ed Note: Judge Gorsuch was confirmed (4/7) and sworn in (4/10).)
Tuesday, April 4, 2017
Boxing
Boxing
(This was written down to Paragraph 5 on 3/14/17)
A heavy weight fighter who rushes across the ring and throws his knockout punch when the bell rings for the first round will most likely lose the fight. A crafty fighter will spar and jab the opponent, looking for tendencies and weaknesses. Then when all is ready, he throws the haymaker. KO!
When President Trump first accused "someone" of bugging his office tower with no supporting evidence, I mused that he was prepared for a big fight. He did not throw the knockout punch, but instead "tapped" them with little jabs. As time has passed, more and more individuals have protested, or even proclaimed, "There is no evidence...."
Trump is a crafty street fighter and instead of cowing all of his enemies into silence and hiding, he let a little at a time go. If the opponents knew anything and denied it, they should be fired for insubordination. If they did not know anything, they should be fired for incompetence.
This seems like a clever ruse to smoke out moles in his administration. When the bombshell hits we will see and interesting fall out.
Bombshell! 4/4/17 and the proverbial fat hits the fan. We are learning more and more about the security breaches and boy is it getting interesting. To use another metaphor, it seems that President Trump had a hole card or two that no one expected.
Stay tuned.
(This was written down to Paragraph 5 on 3/14/17)
A heavy weight fighter who rushes across the ring and throws his knockout punch when the bell rings for the first round will most likely lose the fight. A crafty fighter will spar and jab the opponent, looking for tendencies and weaknesses. Then when all is ready, he throws the haymaker. KO!
When President Trump first accused "someone" of bugging his office tower with no supporting evidence, I mused that he was prepared for a big fight. He did not throw the knockout punch, but instead "tapped" them with little jabs. As time has passed, more and more individuals have protested, or even proclaimed, "There is no evidence...."
Trump is a crafty street fighter and instead of cowing all of his enemies into silence and hiding, he let a little at a time go. If the opponents knew anything and denied it, they should be fired for insubordination. If they did not know anything, they should be fired for incompetence.
This seems like a clever ruse to smoke out moles in his administration. When the bombshell hits we will see and interesting fall out.
Bombshell! 4/4/17 and the proverbial fat hits the fan. We are learning more and more about the security breaches and boy is it getting interesting. To use another metaphor, it seems that President Trump had a hole card or two that no one expected.
Stay tuned.
Thursday, March 23, 2017
March Madness Just for Kicks
My sister confessed that she did not know how to pick teams for her March Madness bracket. How about which mascot is fiercer or ferocious? For the Sweet 16 here is a list of the mascots. Let's see who wins.
Florida Gators over Wisconsin Badgers. At least in the water. If they go into the Badger's hole, Mr. Gator may be in trouble. Baylor Bears and South Carolina Gamecocks. Next! Gonzaga Bulldogs beat W Virginia Mountaineers. Guess the musket must have misfired. (Rain does that.)Experts battle the mascots here. Xavier also are Musketeers and face Arizona Wildcats. Again depends on dry powder. Experts choose cats.
Purdue Boilermakers should be no challenge for Jayhawks from Kansas. They just dive bomb–like in the "Birds," Hitchcock's famous flick. Oregon Ducks should be helpless against Michigan Wolverines. Experts disagree. North Carolina Tarheels fend off Butler Bulldogs, unless the canines get a grip on a tender spot. Experts like the Tarbaby. Kentucky Wildcats against UCLA Bruins. Experts like bears over cats. We will see soon.
Just for fun, the original cast of 68 was treated by Tom Ziller, who did all of the work for us from 68 on down. I couted his versus my "toughness" scale. I won. Enjoy.
FIRST FOUR Included.
North Carolina Central EAGLES vs. UC Davis AGGIES WINNER: NC Central Eagles (Sorry Aggie over Eagle any day. ED.)0-1 (1-1)
Mount Saint Mary's MOUNTAINEERS vs. New Orleans PRIVATEERS WINNER: Mount Saint Mary's Mountaineers (Correct) 1-2 (2-2)
Kansas State WILDCATS vs. Wake Forest DEMON DEACONS WINNER: Wake Forest Demon Deacons (Wildcats) 1-3 (My system is 3-3)
Providence FRIARS vs. USC TROJANS WINNER: USC Trojans (Right) 2-4 (4-4)
Kansas JAYHAWKS vs. NC Central EAGLES WINNER: N.C. Central Eagles (Nah.) 2-5 (5-5)
Miami HURRICANES vs. Michigan State SPARTANS WINNER: Michigan State Spartans 3-6 (6-6)
Iowa State CYCLONES vs. Nevada WOLFPACK WINNER: Nevada Wolfpack Nope 3-7 (7-7) Purdue BOILERMAKERS vs. Vermont CATAMOUNTS WINNER: Purdue Boilermakers 4-8 (8-8?)
Creighton BLUEJAYS vs. Rhode Island RAMS WINNER: Creighton Bluejays Sorry, Ram tramples jay. 4-9 (9-9)
Oregon DUCKS vs. Iona GAELS WINNER: Iona Gaels Bad choice. My system missed too. 4-10 (9-10)
Michigan WOLVERINES vs. Oklahoma State COWBOYS WINNER: Oklahoma State Cowboys Must be a cowboy without a gun. MI won. 4-11 (I resist fudging. Cowboys always have guns. 9-11)
Louisville CARDINALS vs. Jacksonville State GAMECOCKS WINNER: Louisville Cardinals 4-12 (10-12)
Gonzaga BULLDOGS vs. South Dakota State JACKRABBITS WINNER: South Dakota State Jackrabbits Whoops. 4-13 (11-13)
Northwestern WILDCATS vs. Vanderbilt COMMODORES WINNER: Vanderbilt Commodores Wrong 4-14 (Commodores are wimps. But I will concede an armed Como should have prevailed. 11-14)
Notre Dame FIGHTING IRISH vs. Princeton TIGERS WINNER: Notre Dame Fighting Irish 5-15 (11-15)
West Virginia MOUNTAINEERS vs. Bucknell BISON WINNER: West Virginia Mountaineers 6-16 (12-16)
Maryland TERRAPINS vs. Xavier MUSKETEERS WINNER: Xavier Musketeers 7-17 (13-17)
Florida State SEMINOLES vs. Florida Gulf Coast EAGLES WINNER: Florida State Seminoles 8-18 (14-18)
Saint Mary's GAELS vs. VCU RAMS WINNER: Saint Mary's Gaels 9-19 (15-19)
Arizona WILDCATS vs. North Dakota FIGHTING HAWKS WINNER: North Dakota Fighting Hawks You jokin? 9-20 (16-20)
North Carolina TAR HEELS vs. Texas Southern TIGERS WINNER: North Carolina Tar Heels 10-21 (16-21)
Arkansas RAZORBACKS vs. Seton Hall PIRATES WINNER: Seton Hall Pirates Pirate must have been unarmed. 10-22 (16-22)
Minnesota GOPHERS vs. Middle Tennessee BLUE RAIDERS WINNER: Middle Tennessee Blue Raiders Gopher undermined the game. 10-23 (16-23)
Butler BULLDOGS vs. Winthrop EAGLES WINNER: Winthrop Eagles Come on. 10-24 (17-24)
Cincinnati BEARCATS vs. Wake Forest DEMON DEACONS WINNER: Wake Forest Demon Deacons Wake up, they didn't make it out of the first four. 10-25 (18-25 by default)
UCLA BRUINS vs. Kent State GOLDEN FLASHES WINNER: UCLA Bruins This was hard to miss. 11-26 (19-26)
Dayton FLYERS vs. Wichita State SHOCKERS WINNER: Dayton Flyers He never saw a wheat shocker. 11-27 (20-27)
Kentucky WILDCATS vs. Northern Kentucky NORSE WINNER: Northern Kentucky Norse 11-28 (Armed Norse should prevail. I capitulate. 20-28)
Villanova WILDCATS vs. Mount Saint Mary's MOUNTAINEERS WINNER: Mount Saint Mary's Mountaineers What was he smoking? 11-29 (To be consistent, armed men should prevail. 20-29)
Wisconsin BADGERS vs. Virginia Tech HOKIES WINNER: Virginia Tech Hokies 11-30 (What the heck is a Hokie? 21-30)
Virginia CAVALIERS vs. UNC Wilmington SEAHAWKS WINNER: Virginia Cavaliers 12-31 (22-31) and finally...
Florida GATORS vs. East Tennessee State BUCCANEERS WINNER: East Tennessee State Buccaneers Muskets are not too effective against Gators. To be consistent, I will concede. 12-32 (22-32)
SMU MUSTANGS vs. USC TROJANS WINNER: USC Trojans 13-33 (23-33)
Baylor BEARS vs. New Mexico State AGGIES WINNER: New Mexico State Aggies Aggie is a farm boy. I claim the rights. The gun is back at the house. 13-34 (24-34)
South Carolina GAMECOCKS vs. Marquette GOLDEN EAGLES WINNER: Marquette Golden Eagles 13-35 (24-35)
Duke BLUE DEVILS vs. Troy TROJANS WINNER: Duke Blue Devils Not sure how to eval spirits or Trojans. I concede. 14-36 (24-36)
So the mascots beat the expert–so called. His hypothetical picks continue to the end. I did not edit them. Read for your own amusement.
SECOND ROUND
NC Central EAGLES vs. Michigan State SPARTANS
Easy victory for the men of Sparta. Let's cull all the birds in this round, OK?
WINNER: Michigan State Spartans
Nevada WOLFPACK vs. Purdue BOILERMAKERS
People who build boilers advance to the Sweet 16! A real Cinderella story!
WINNER: Purdue Boilermakers
Creighton BLUEJAYS vs. Iona GAELS
How many teams representing noted basketball power Ireland will we get into the Sweet 16? Here's one.
WINNER: Iona Gaels
Oklahoma State COWBOYS vs. Louisville CARDINALS
Fun fact: New Mexico State has to pay Oklahoma State to license the likeness of their Aggie mascot Pistol Pete.
WINNER: Oklahoma State Cowboys
South Dakota State JACKRABBITS vs. Vanderbilt COMMODORES
No team mascot (outside of the Troy Trojans) has ever been more appropriate than the Vanderbilt Commodores. The word "commodore" might actually mean "of Vanderbilt." I think that's right.
WINNER: Vanderbilt Commodores
Notre Dame FIGHTING IRISH vs. West Virginia MOUNTAINEERS
This is a good one. Again, mountaineers are rugged and have excellent endurance. Fighting Irish ... uh, they fight? There's no fighting in basketball.
WINNER: West Virginia MOUNTAINEERS
Xavier MUSKETEERS vs. Florida State SEMINOLES
Guns won't save you in this shooting contest. (Also, muskets were terrible firearms.)
WINNER: Florida State Seminoles
St. Mary's GAELS vs. North Dakota FIGHTING HAWKS
I'd give it to the Fighting Hawks if the l and the e in "Gaels" were switched.
WINNER: St. Mary's Gaels
North Carolina TAR HEELS vs. Seton Hall PIRATES
You could have three Jack Sparrows, eight Blackbeards, and a Roberto Clemente and you're not beating one Michael Jordan and 11 Clay Aikens.
WINNER: North Carolina Tar Heels
Middle Tennessee BLUE RAIDERS vs. Winthrop EAGLES
End the animalocracy!
WINNER: Middle Tennessee Blue Raiders
Wake Forest DEMON DEACONS vs. UCLA BRUINS
Bears are animals' best shot at making the Final Four, but those clergyman are absolutely possessed on the court.
WINNER: Wake Forest Demon Deacons
Dayton FLYERS vs. Northern Kentucky NORSE
Lauri Markkanen is from Finland, and Finland is a Nordic country. Pilots are cool and all, but Lauri Markkanen is divine.
WINNER: Northern Kentucky NORSE
Mount Saint Mary's MOUNTAINEERS vs. Virginia Tech HOKIES
Since we're allowing the actual Virginia Tech basketball team to be considered Hokies, there's no way to avoid giving them the nod here.
WINNER: Virginia Tech Hokies
Virginia CAVALIERS vs. East Tennessee State BUCCANEERS
A "cavalier" sounds cool and has a dope associated adjective, so I always assumed cavaliers were dangerous rogues. They are apparently simply bros who followed Charles I? Let's go with the pirates.
WINNER: East Tennessee State Buccaneers
USC TROJANS vs. New Mexico State AGGIES
Westerns may glorify the life of cowboys, but most of them weren't in the middle of shoot-outs and getting in bar brawls. They were rounding up livestock. The Trojans, meanwhile, were some of the greatest warriors in history. (Wait ... the Trojans were real, right?)
WINNER: USC Trojans
Marquette GOLDEN EAGLES vs. Duke BLUE DEVILS
While I now regret failing to set up a Trojans vs. Trojans battle in the Sweet 16 — who looks more athletic, USC's Tommy Trojan or Troy University's T-Roy? wait ... T-Roy? — at least we have finally rid our bracket of animals!
WINNER: Duke Blue Devils
NCAA Football: Colorado at Southern California Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports
ROUND OF 16
Michigan State SPARTANS vs. Purdue BOILERMAKERS
The Cinderella run for manufacturers of large industrial hot-water heaters is over.
WINNER: Michigan State Spartans
Iona GAELS vs. Oklahoma State COWBOYS
Down goes another set of Irish folk. What next, the Boston Celtics? (It's pronounced with a hard C. The Boston Kelt-ics.)
WINNER: Oklahoma State Cowboys
Vanderbilt COMMODORES vs. West Virginia MOUNTAINEERS
High-ranking naval officers are likely in good shape, as are mountaineers. But the former also likely skew older, and Vince Carter aside, this is a young person's sport.
WINNER: West Virginia Mountaineers
Florida State SEMINOLES vs. St. Mary's GAELS
The luck has officially run out for the Irish.
WINNER: Florida State Seminoles
North Carolina TAR HEELS vs. Middle Tennessee BLUE RAIDERS
The Avett Brothers, 9th Wonder, Ben Folds, Tori Amos, George Clinton, J. Cole, and five Michael Jordans? Sorry, sad pirates.
WINNER: North Carolina Tar Heels
Wake Forest DEMON DEACONS vs. Northern Kentucky NORSE
On the one hand, there are relatively prominent basketball players from the Nordic countries. On the other hand, top hats seem like unwieldy basketball gear.
WINNER: Northern Kentucky Norse
Virginia Tech HOKIES vs. East Tennessee State BUCCANEERS
Don't let the inexplicable presence of pirates in Johnson City, Tenn., distract you from the fact that, via loophole, we have AN ACTUAL NCAA TOURNAMENT TEAM IN THIS FANTASY BRACKET.
WINNER: Virginia Tech HOKIES
USC TROJANS vs. Duke BLUE DEVILS
Yes, the real (?) Trojans were defeated by a wooden horse (need verification). But the Blue Devils have their own Achilles heel to trip them up: the singular karmic debt that exists due to Grayson Allen, the bluest devil of them all.
WINNER: USC Trojans
ROUND OF 8
Michigan State SPARTANS vs. Oklahoma State COWBOYS
You did the 300 Workout in 2007, right? It was wild.
WINNER: Michigan State Spartans
West Virginia MOUNTAINEERS vs. Florida State SEMINOLES
Tough loss for our shockingly resilient hobbyists. The dance is over. Go climb a rock.
WINNER: Florida State Seminoles
North Carolina TAR HEELS vs. Northern Kentucky NORSE
Lauri Markkanen, Hanno Mottola, Petteri Koponen, Jonas Jerebko, Torgeir Bryn, Seymour Levov, Bjork, and some dudes from the Minnetonka Y vs. Michael Jordan and 11 Kent Bazemores.
WINNER: North Carolina Tar Heels
Virginia Tech HOKIES vs. USC TROJANS
I repeat: The Virginia Tech team is legally allowed to be the actual Virginia Tech team.
WINNER: Virginia Tech Hokies
Syracuse v North Carolina Photo by Streeter Lecka/Getty Images
FINAL FOUR
Michigan State SPARTANS vs. Florida State SEMINOLES
I'm telling you, I saw this on the History Channel. It might have been about who would win pinochle, not basketball, or maybe it was bridge. I don't know.
WINNER: Florida State Seminoles
North Carolina TAR HEELS vs. Virginia Tech HOKIES
Michael Jordan and 11 fellow North Carolinians of his choosing against the Virginia Tech men's basketball team. You think UNC has finally been beat ... until you remember Steph Curry is also technically a Tar Heel.
WINNER: North Carolina Tar Heels
CHAMPIONSHIP GAME
Florida State SEMINOLES vs. North Carolina TAR HEELS
I'd like to point out that it should be the Florida State Seminole, if the university indeed intends to retain as its mascot a tribe of Native Americans almost entirely banished from its homeland in the state where the university sits. Alas, Sean May, Dale Earnhardt, Julianne Moore, Zach Galifiniakis, Michael Jeffrey Jordan, and seven David Gergens just can't be beat. Salute.
CHAMPION: NORTH CAROLINA TAR HEELS
Here are all of the mascots, based on meanness. These are his guesses or evaluations. Enjoy.
68. Maryland Terrapins A turtle is the least threatening creature.
67. Dayton Flyers
66. Virginia Tech Hokies Too hokey.
65. UC Davis Aggies The mascot is a mustang, the nickname is an Aggie.
64. New Mexico State Aggies
63. Creighton Bluejays The bird is spelled Blue Jay.
62. Louisville Cardinals
61. Cincinnati Bearcats Same problem I had last year: Bear or cat?
Yes bearcats are real, but please pick one.
60. Texas Southern Tigers Here comes the march of the generic nicknames!
59. Princeton Tigers
58. North Carolina Central Eagles
57. Winthrop Eagles
56. Florida Gulf Coast Eagles (plead with Florida Gulf Coast to permanently change its name to Dunk City. So. Much. Cooler.)
55. Gonzaga Bulldogs
54. Butler Bulldogs
53. Kansas State Wildcats
52. Kentucky Wildcats
51. Northwestern Wildcats
50. Villanova Wildcats
49. Arizona Wildcats
48. North Dakota Fighting Hawks "fighting" to an otherwise bland nickname.
47. Mount St. Mary's Mountaineers
46. West Virgnia Mountaineers
45. Middle Tennessee Blue Raiders
44. UNC Wilmington Seahawks
43. Iowa State Cyclones
42. Miami Hurricanes
41. Jacksonville State Gamecocks
40. South Carolina Gamecocks Gamecocks are just chickens.
39. Purdue Boilermakers
38. Wake Forest Demon Decons
37. Vanderbilt Commodores
36. Oklahoma State Cowboys
35. Providence Friars
34. Kent State Golden Flashes
33. Marquette Golden Eagles
32. Minnesota Golden Gophers the intrepid gopher suddenly becomes majestic in gold
31. Saint Mary's Gaels
30. Iona Gaels
29. Seton Hall Pirates
28. East Tennessee State Buccaneers > Pirates
27. Vermont Catamounts a catamount is a wildcat
26. Virginia Cavaliers
25. Xavier Musketeers
24. Bucknell Bison
23. VCU Rams
22. Rhode Island Rams
21. Oregon Ducks
20. Arkansas Razorbacks a wild boar coming at you at full speed, you'd be petrified.
19. UCLA Bruins
18. Baylor Bears
17. North Carolina Tar Heels
16. South Dakota State Jackrabbits
15. Nevada Wolf Pack
14. Florida State Seminoles A live mascot that has to ride a horse and carry a flaming spear
13. Wisconsin Badgers
12. Kansas Jayhawks
11. SMU Mustangs
10. Florida Gators
9. Notre Dame Fighting Irish
8. Michigan Wolverines
7. Troy Trojans
6. USC Trojans
5. Michigan State Spartans
4. Duke Blue Devils
3. Wichita State Shockers Angry wheat dude is the best mascot
2. New Orleans Privateers From the Mariners' Museum
A Privateer is any individual granted license to attack shipping belonging to an enemy government, Admiralty, grants them permission to raid enemy ships and keep a percentage of the spoils – so long as they pay a cut of that bounty back to the government.
1. Northern Kentucky Norse Victor E. Viking!
Florida Gators over Wisconsin Badgers. At least in the water. If they go into the Badger's hole, Mr. Gator may be in trouble. Baylor Bears and South Carolina Gamecocks. Next! Gonzaga Bulldogs beat W Virginia Mountaineers. Guess the musket must have misfired. (Rain does that.)Experts battle the mascots here. Xavier also are Musketeers and face Arizona Wildcats. Again depends on dry powder. Experts choose cats.
Purdue Boilermakers should be no challenge for Jayhawks from Kansas. They just dive bomb–like in the "Birds," Hitchcock's famous flick. Oregon Ducks should be helpless against Michigan Wolverines. Experts disagree. North Carolina Tarheels fend off Butler Bulldogs, unless the canines get a grip on a tender spot. Experts like the Tarbaby. Kentucky Wildcats against UCLA Bruins. Experts like bears over cats. We will see soon.
Just for fun, the original cast of 68 was treated by Tom Ziller, who did all of the work for us from 68 on down. I couted his versus my "toughness" scale. I won. Enjoy.
FIRST FOUR Included.
North Carolina Central EAGLES vs. UC Davis AGGIES WINNER: NC Central Eagles (Sorry Aggie over Eagle any day. ED.)0-1 (1-1)
Mount Saint Mary's MOUNTAINEERS vs. New Orleans PRIVATEERS WINNER: Mount Saint Mary's Mountaineers (Correct) 1-2 (2-2)
Kansas State WILDCATS vs. Wake Forest DEMON DEACONS WINNER: Wake Forest Demon Deacons (Wildcats) 1-3 (My system is 3-3)
Providence FRIARS vs. USC TROJANS WINNER: USC Trojans (Right) 2-4 (4-4)
Kansas JAYHAWKS vs. NC Central EAGLES WINNER: N.C. Central Eagles (Nah.) 2-5 (5-5)
Miami HURRICANES vs. Michigan State SPARTANS WINNER: Michigan State Spartans 3-6 (6-6)
Iowa State CYCLONES vs. Nevada WOLFPACK WINNER: Nevada Wolfpack Nope 3-7 (7-7) Purdue BOILERMAKERS vs. Vermont CATAMOUNTS WINNER: Purdue Boilermakers 4-8 (8-8?)
Creighton BLUEJAYS vs. Rhode Island RAMS WINNER: Creighton Bluejays Sorry, Ram tramples jay. 4-9 (9-9)
Oregon DUCKS vs. Iona GAELS WINNER: Iona Gaels Bad choice. My system missed too. 4-10 (9-10)
Michigan WOLVERINES vs. Oklahoma State COWBOYS WINNER: Oklahoma State Cowboys Must be a cowboy without a gun. MI won. 4-11 (I resist fudging. Cowboys always have guns. 9-11)
Louisville CARDINALS vs. Jacksonville State GAMECOCKS WINNER: Louisville Cardinals 4-12 (10-12)
Gonzaga BULLDOGS vs. South Dakota State JACKRABBITS WINNER: South Dakota State Jackrabbits Whoops. 4-13 (11-13)
Northwestern WILDCATS vs. Vanderbilt COMMODORES WINNER: Vanderbilt Commodores Wrong 4-14 (Commodores are wimps. But I will concede an armed Como should have prevailed. 11-14)
Notre Dame FIGHTING IRISH vs. Princeton TIGERS WINNER: Notre Dame Fighting Irish 5-15 (11-15)
West Virginia MOUNTAINEERS vs. Bucknell BISON WINNER: West Virginia Mountaineers 6-16 (12-16)
Maryland TERRAPINS vs. Xavier MUSKETEERS WINNER: Xavier Musketeers 7-17 (13-17)
Florida State SEMINOLES vs. Florida Gulf Coast EAGLES WINNER: Florida State Seminoles 8-18 (14-18)
Saint Mary's GAELS vs. VCU RAMS WINNER: Saint Mary's Gaels 9-19 (15-19)
Arizona WILDCATS vs. North Dakota FIGHTING HAWKS WINNER: North Dakota Fighting Hawks You jokin? 9-20 (16-20)
North Carolina TAR HEELS vs. Texas Southern TIGERS WINNER: North Carolina Tar Heels 10-21 (16-21)
Arkansas RAZORBACKS vs. Seton Hall PIRATES WINNER: Seton Hall Pirates Pirate must have been unarmed. 10-22 (16-22)
Minnesota GOPHERS vs. Middle Tennessee BLUE RAIDERS WINNER: Middle Tennessee Blue Raiders Gopher undermined the game. 10-23 (16-23)
Butler BULLDOGS vs. Winthrop EAGLES WINNER: Winthrop Eagles Come on. 10-24 (17-24)
Cincinnati BEARCATS vs. Wake Forest DEMON DEACONS WINNER: Wake Forest Demon Deacons Wake up, they didn't make it out of the first four. 10-25 (18-25 by default)
UCLA BRUINS vs. Kent State GOLDEN FLASHES WINNER: UCLA Bruins This was hard to miss. 11-26 (19-26)
Dayton FLYERS vs. Wichita State SHOCKERS WINNER: Dayton Flyers He never saw a wheat shocker. 11-27 (20-27)
Kentucky WILDCATS vs. Northern Kentucky NORSE WINNER: Northern Kentucky Norse 11-28 (Armed Norse should prevail. I capitulate. 20-28)
Villanova WILDCATS vs. Mount Saint Mary's MOUNTAINEERS WINNER: Mount Saint Mary's Mountaineers What was he smoking? 11-29 (To be consistent, armed men should prevail. 20-29)
Wisconsin BADGERS vs. Virginia Tech HOKIES WINNER: Virginia Tech Hokies 11-30 (What the heck is a Hokie? 21-30)
Virginia CAVALIERS vs. UNC Wilmington SEAHAWKS WINNER: Virginia Cavaliers 12-31 (22-31) and finally...
Florida GATORS vs. East Tennessee State BUCCANEERS WINNER: East Tennessee State Buccaneers Muskets are not too effective against Gators. To be consistent, I will concede. 12-32 (22-32)
SMU MUSTANGS vs. USC TROJANS WINNER: USC Trojans 13-33 (23-33)
Baylor BEARS vs. New Mexico State AGGIES WINNER: New Mexico State Aggies Aggie is a farm boy. I claim the rights. The gun is back at the house. 13-34 (24-34)
South Carolina GAMECOCKS vs. Marquette GOLDEN EAGLES WINNER: Marquette Golden Eagles 13-35 (24-35)
Duke BLUE DEVILS vs. Troy TROJANS WINNER: Duke Blue Devils Not sure how to eval spirits or Trojans. I concede. 14-36 (24-36)
So the mascots beat the expert–so called. His hypothetical picks continue to the end. I did not edit them. Read for your own amusement.
SECOND ROUND
NC Central EAGLES vs. Michigan State SPARTANS
Easy victory for the men of Sparta. Let's cull all the birds in this round, OK?
WINNER: Michigan State Spartans
Nevada WOLFPACK vs. Purdue BOILERMAKERS
People who build boilers advance to the Sweet 16! A real Cinderella story!
WINNER: Purdue Boilermakers
Creighton BLUEJAYS vs. Iona GAELS
How many teams representing noted basketball power Ireland will we get into the Sweet 16? Here's one.
WINNER: Iona Gaels
Oklahoma State COWBOYS vs. Louisville CARDINALS
Fun fact: New Mexico State has to pay Oklahoma State to license the likeness of their Aggie mascot Pistol Pete.
WINNER: Oklahoma State Cowboys
South Dakota State JACKRABBITS vs. Vanderbilt COMMODORES
No team mascot (outside of the Troy Trojans) has ever been more appropriate than the Vanderbilt Commodores. The word "commodore" might actually mean "of Vanderbilt." I think that's right.
WINNER: Vanderbilt Commodores
Notre Dame FIGHTING IRISH vs. West Virginia MOUNTAINEERS
This is a good one. Again, mountaineers are rugged and have excellent endurance. Fighting Irish ... uh, they fight? There's no fighting in basketball.
WINNER: West Virginia MOUNTAINEERS
Xavier MUSKETEERS vs. Florida State SEMINOLES
Guns won't save you in this shooting contest. (Also, muskets were terrible firearms.)
WINNER: Florida State Seminoles
St. Mary's GAELS vs. North Dakota FIGHTING HAWKS
I'd give it to the Fighting Hawks if the l and the e in "Gaels" were switched.
WINNER: St. Mary's Gaels
North Carolina TAR HEELS vs. Seton Hall PIRATES
You could have three Jack Sparrows, eight Blackbeards, and a Roberto Clemente and you're not beating one Michael Jordan and 11 Clay Aikens.
WINNER: North Carolina Tar Heels
Middle Tennessee BLUE RAIDERS vs. Winthrop EAGLES
End the animalocracy!
WINNER: Middle Tennessee Blue Raiders
Wake Forest DEMON DEACONS vs. UCLA BRUINS
Bears are animals' best shot at making the Final Four, but those clergyman are absolutely possessed on the court.
WINNER: Wake Forest Demon Deacons
Dayton FLYERS vs. Northern Kentucky NORSE
Lauri Markkanen is from Finland, and Finland is a Nordic country. Pilots are cool and all, but Lauri Markkanen is divine.
WINNER: Northern Kentucky NORSE
Mount Saint Mary's MOUNTAINEERS vs. Virginia Tech HOKIES
Since we're allowing the actual Virginia Tech basketball team to be considered Hokies, there's no way to avoid giving them the nod here.
WINNER: Virginia Tech Hokies
Virginia CAVALIERS vs. East Tennessee State BUCCANEERS
A "cavalier" sounds cool and has a dope associated adjective, so I always assumed cavaliers were dangerous rogues. They are apparently simply bros who followed Charles I? Let's go with the pirates.
WINNER: East Tennessee State Buccaneers
USC TROJANS vs. New Mexico State AGGIES
Westerns may glorify the life of cowboys, but most of them weren't in the middle of shoot-outs and getting in bar brawls. They were rounding up livestock. The Trojans, meanwhile, were some of the greatest warriors in history. (Wait ... the Trojans were real, right?)
WINNER: USC Trojans
Marquette GOLDEN EAGLES vs. Duke BLUE DEVILS
While I now regret failing to set up a Trojans vs. Trojans battle in the Sweet 16 — who looks more athletic, USC's Tommy Trojan or Troy University's T-Roy? wait ... T-Roy? — at least we have finally rid our bracket of animals!
WINNER: Duke Blue Devils
NCAA Football: Colorado at Southern California Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports
ROUND OF 16
Michigan State SPARTANS vs. Purdue BOILERMAKERS
The Cinderella run for manufacturers of large industrial hot-water heaters is over.
WINNER: Michigan State Spartans
Iona GAELS vs. Oklahoma State COWBOYS
Down goes another set of Irish folk. What next, the Boston Celtics? (It's pronounced with a hard C. The Boston Kelt-ics.)
WINNER: Oklahoma State Cowboys
Vanderbilt COMMODORES vs. West Virginia MOUNTAINEERS
High-ranking naval officers are likely in good shape, as are mountaineers. But the former also likely skew older, and Vince Carter aside, this is a young person's sport.
WINNER: West Virginia Mountaineers
Florida State SEMINOLES vs. St. Mary's GAELS
The luck has officially run out for the Irish.
WINNER: Florida State Seminoles
North Carolina TAR HEELS vs. Middle Tennessee BLUE RAIDERS
The Avett Brothers, 9th Wonder, Ben Folds, Tori Amos, George Clinton, J. Cole, and five Michael Jordans? Sorry, sad pirates.
WINNER: North Carolina Tar Heels
Wake Forest DEMON DEACONS vs. Northern Kentucky NORSE
On the one hand, there are relatively prominent basketball players from the Nordic countries. On the other hand, top hats seem like unwieldy basketball gear.
WINNER: Northern Kentucky Norse
Virginia Tech HOKIES vs. East Tennessee State BUCCANEERS
Don't let the inexplicable presence of pirates in Johnson City, Tenn., distract you from the fact that, via loophole, we have AN ACTUAL NCAA TOURNAMENT TEAM IN THIS FANTASY BRACKET.
WINNER: Virginia Tech HOKIES
USC TROJANS vs. Duke BLUE DEVILS
Yes, the real (?) Trojans were defeated by a wooden horse (need verification). But the Blue Devils have their own Achilles heel to trip them up: the singular karmic debt that exists due to Grayson Allen, the bluest devil of them all.
WINNER: USC Trojans
ROUND OF 8
Michigan State SPARTANS vs. Oklahoma State COWBOYS
You did the 300 Workout in 2007, right? It was wild.
WINNER: Michigan State Spartans
West Virginia MOUNTAINEERS vs. Florida State SEMINOLES
Tough loss for our shockingly resilient hobbyists. The dance is over. Go climb a rock.
WINNER: Florida State Seminoles
North Carolina TAR HEELS vs. Northern Kentucky NORSE
Lauri Markkanen, Hanno Mottola, Petteri Koponen, Jonas Jerebko, Torgeir Bryn, Seymour Levov, Bjork, and some dudes from the Minnetonka Y vs. Michael Jordan and 11 Kent Bazemores.
WINNER: North Carolina Tar Heels
Virginia Tech HOKIES vs. USC TROJANS
I repeat: The Virginia Tech team is legally allowed to be the actual Virginia Tech team.
WINNER: Virginia Tech Hokies
Syracuse v North Carolina Photo by Streeter Lecka/Getty Images
FINAL FOUR
Michigan State SPARTANS vs. Florida State SEMINOLES
I'm telling you, I saw this on the History Channel. It might have been about who would win pinochle, not basketball, or maybe it was bridge. I don't know.
WINNER: Florida State Seminoles
North Carolina TAR HEELS vs. Virginia Tech HOKIES
Michael Jordan and 11 fellow North Carolinians of his choosing against the Virginia Tech men's basketball team. You think UNC has finally been beat ... until you remember Steph Curry is also technically a Tar Heel.
WINNER: North Carolina Tar Heels
CHAMPIONSHIP GAME
Florida State SEMINOLES vs. North Carolina TAR HEELS
I'd like to point out that it should be the Florida State Seminole, if the university indeed intends to retain as its mascot a tribe of Native Americans almost entirely banished from its homeland in the state where the university sits. Alas, Sean May, Dale Earnhardt, Julianne Moore, Zach Galifiniakis, Michael Jeffrey Jordan, and seven David Gergens just can't be beat. Salute.
CHAMPION: NORTH CAROLINA TAR HEELS
Here are all of the mascots, based on meanness. These are his guesses or evaluations. Enjoy.
68. Maryland Terrapins A turtle is the least threatening creature.
67. Dayton Flyers
66. Virginia Tech Hokies Too hokey.
65. UC Davis Aggies The mascot is a mustang, the nickname is an Aggie.
64. New Mexico State Aggies
63. Creighton Bluejays The bird is spelled Blue Jay.
62. Louisville Cardinals
61. Cincinnati Bearcats Same problem I had last year: Bear or cat?
Yes bearcats are real, but please pick one.
60. Texas Southern Tigers Here comes the march of the generic nicknames!
59. Princeton Tigers
58. North Carolina Central Eagles
57. Winthrop Eagles
56. Florida Gulf Coast Eagles (plead with Florida Gulf Coast to permanently change its name to Dunk City. So. Much. Cooler.)
55. Gonzaga Bulldogs
54. Butler Bulldogs
53. Kansas State Wildcats
52. Kentucky Wildcats
51. Northwestern Wildcats
50. Villanova Wildcats
49. Arizona Wildcats
48. North Dakota Fighting Hawks "fighting" to an otherwise bland nickname.
47. Mount St. Mary's Mountaineers
46. West Virgnia Mountaineers
45. Middle Tennessee Blue Raiders
44. UNC Wilmington Seahawks
43. Iowa State Cyclones
42. Miami Hurricanes
41. Jacksonville State Gamecocks
40. South Carolina Gamecocks Gamecocks are just chickens.
39. Purdue Boilermakers
38. Wake Forest Demon Decons
37. Vanderbilt Commodores
36. Oklahoma State Cowboys
35. Providence Friars
34. Kent State Golden Flashes
33. Marquette Golden Eagles
32. Minnesota Golden Gophers the intrepid gopher suddenly becomes majestic in gold
31. Saint Mary's Gaels
30. Iona Gaels
29. Seton Hall Pirates
28. East Tennessee State Buccaneers > Pirates
27. Vermont Catamounts a catamount is a wildcat
26. Virginia Cavaliers
25. Xavier Musketeers
24. Bucknell Bison
23. VCU Rams
22. Rhode Island Rams
21. Oregon Ducks
20. Arkansas Razorbacks a wild boar coming at you at full speed, you'd be petrified.
19. UCLA Bruins
18. Baylor Bears
17. North Carolina Tar Heels
16. South Dakota State Jackrabbits
15. Nevada Wolf Pack
14. Florida State Seminoles A live mascot that has to ride a horse and carry a flaming spear
13. Wisconsin Badgers
12. Kansas Jayhawks
11. SMU Mustangs
10. Florida Gators
9. Notre Dame Fighting Irish
8. Michigan Wolverines
7. Troy Trojans
6. USC Trojans
5. Michigan State Spartans
4. Duke Blue Devils
3. Wichita State Shockers Angry wheat dude is the best mascot
2. New Orleans Privateers From the Mariners' Museum
A Privateer is any individual granted license to attack shipping belonging to an enemy government, Admiralty, grants them permission to raid enemy ships and keep a percentage of the spoils – so long as they pay a cut of that bounty back to the government.
1. Northern Kentucky Norse Victor E. Viking!
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