March Madness Just for Kicks

My sister confessed that she did not know how to pick teams for her March Madness bracket. How about which mascot is fiercer or ferocious? For the Sweet 16 here is a list of the mascots. Let's see who wins.

Florida Gators over Wisconsin Badgers. At least in the water. If they go into the Badger's hole, Mr. Gator may be in trouble. Baylor Bears and South Carolina Gamecocks. Next! Gonzaga Bulldogs beat W Virginia Mountaineers. Guess the musket must have misfired. (Rain does that.)Experts battle the mascots here. Xavier also are Musketeers and face Arizona Wildcats. Again depends on dry powder. Experts choose cats.

Purdue Boilermakers should be no challenge for Jayhawks from Kansas. They just dive bomb–like in the "Birds," Hitchcock's famous flick. Oregon Ducks should be helpless against Michigan Wolverines. Experts disagree. North Carolina Tarheels fend off Butler Bulldogs, unless the canines get a grip on a tender spot. Experts like the Tarbaby. Kentucky Wildcats against UCLA Bruins. Experts like bears over cats. We will see soon.

Just for fun, the original cast of 68 was treated by Tom Ziller, who did all of the work for us from 68 on down. I couted his versus my "toughness" scale. I won. Enjoy.

FIRST FOUR Included.
North Carolina Central EAGLES vs. UC Davis AGGIES WINNER: NC Central Eagles (Sorry Aggie over Eagle any day. ED.)0-1 (1-1)
Mount Saint Mary's MOUNTAINEERS vs. New Orleans PRIVATEERS WINNER: Mount Saint Mary's Mountaineers (Correct) 1-2 (2-2)
Kansas State WILDCATS vs. Wake Forest DEMON DEACONS WINNER: Wake Forest Demon Deacons (Wildcats) 1-3 (My system is 3-3)
Providence FRIARS vs. USC TROJANS WINNER: USC Trojans (Right) 2-4 (4-4)
Kansas JAYHAWKS vs. NC Central EAGLES WINNER: N.C. Central Eagles (Nah.) 2-5 (5-5)
Miami HURRICANES vs. Michigan State SPARTANS WINNER: Michigan State Spartans 3-6 (6-6)
Iowa State CYCLONES vs. Nevada WOLFPACK WINNER: Nevada Wolfpack Nope 3-7 (7-7) Purdue BOILERMAKERS vs. Vermont CATAMOUNTS WINNER: Purdue Boilermakers 4-8 (8-8?)
Creighton BLUEJAYS vs. Rhode Island RAMS WINNER: Creighton Bluejays Sorry, Ram tramples jay. 4-9 (9-9)
Oregon DUCKS vs. Iona GAELS  WINNER: Iona Gaels Bad choice. My system missed too. 4-10 (9-10)
Michigan WOLVERINES vs. Oklahoma State COWBOYS WINNER: Oklahoma State Cowboys Must be a cowboy without a gun. MI won. 4-11 (I resist fudging. Cowboys always have guns. 9-11)
Louisville CARDINALS vs. Jacksonville State GAMECOCKS  WINNER: Louisville Cardinals 4-12 (10-12)
Gonzaga BULLDOGS vs. South Dakota State JACKRABBITS WINNER: South Dakota State Jackrabbits Whoops. 4-13 (11-13)
Northwestern WILDCATS vs. Vanderbilt COMMODORES WINNER: Vanderbilt Commodores Wrong 4-14 (Commodores are wimps. But I will concede an armed Como should have prevailed. 11-14)
Notre Dame FIGHTING IRISH vs. Princeton TIGERS WINNER: Notre Dame Fighting Irish 5-15 (11-15)
West Virginia MOUNTAINEERS vs. Bucknell BISON WINNER: West Virginia Mountaineers 6-16 (12-16)
Maryland TERRAPINS vs. Xavier MUSKETEERS WINNER: Xavier Musketeers 7-17 (13-17)
Florida State SEMINOLES vs. Florida Gulf Coast EAGLES WINNER: Florida State Seminoles 8-18 (14-18)
Saint Mary's GAELS vs. VCU RAMS WINNER: Saint Mary's Gaels 9-19 (15-19)
Arizona WILDCATS vs. North Dakota FIGHTING HAWKS  WINNER: North Dakota Fighting Hawks You jokin? 9-20 (16-20)
North Carolina TAR HEELS vs. Texas Southern TIGERS WINNER: North Carolina Tar Heels 10-21 (16-21)
Arkansas RAZORBACKS vs. Seton Hall PIRATES WINNER: Seton Hall Pirates Pirate must have been unarmed. 10-22 (16-22)
Minnesota GOPHERS vs. Middle Tennessee BLUE RAIDERS WINNER: Middle Tennessee Blue Raiders Gopher undermined the game. 10-23 (16-23)
Butler BULLDOGS vs. Winthrop EAGLES WINNER: Winthrop Eagles Come on. 10-24 (17-24)
Cincinnati BEARCATS vs. Wake Forest DEMON DEACONS WINNER: Wake Forest Demon Deacons Wake up, they didn't make it out of the first four. 10-25 (18-25 by default)
UCLA BRUINS vs. Kent State GOLDEN FLASHES WINNER: UCLA Bruins This was hard to miss. 11-26 (19-26)
Dayton FLYERS vs. Wichita State SHOCKERS WINNER: Dayton Flyers He never saw a wheat shocker. 11-27 (20-27)
Kentucky WILDCATS vs. Northern Kentucky NORSE WINNER: Northern Kentucky Norse 11-28 (Armed Norse should prevail. I capitulate. 20-28)
Villanova WILDCATS vs. Mount Saint Mary's MOUNTAINEERS WINNER: Mount Saint Mary's Mountaineers What was he smoking? 11-29 (To be consistent, armed men should prevail. 20-29)
Wisconsin BADGERS vs. Virginia Tech HOKIES WINNER: Virginia Tech Hokies 11-30 (What the heck is a Hokie? 21-30)
Virginia CAVALIERS vs. UNC Wilmington SEAHAWKS WINNER: Virginia Cavaliers 12-31 (22-31) and finally...
Florida GATORS vs. East Tennessee State BUCCANEERS WINNER: East Tennessee State Buccaneers Muskets are not too effective against Gators. To be consistent, I will concede. 12-32 (22-32)
SMU MUSTANGS vs. USC TROJANS WINNER: USC Trojans 13-33 (23-33)
Baylor BEARS vs. New Mexico State AGGIES WINNER: New Mexico State Aggies Aggie is a farm boy. I claim the rights. The gun is back at the house. 13-34 (24-34)
South Carolina GAMECOCKS vs. Marquette GOLDEN EAGLES WINNER: Marquette Golden Eagles 13-35 (24-35)
Duke BLUE DEVILS vs. Troy TROJANS WINNER: Duke Blue Devils Not sure how to eval spirits or Trojans. I concede. 14-36 (24-36)

So the mascots beat the expert–so called. His hypothetical picks continue to the end. I did not edit them. Read for your own amusement.

SECOND ROUND
NC Central EAGLES vs. Michigan State SPARTANS

Easy victory for the men of Sparta. Let's cull all the birds in this round, OK?

WINNER: Michigan State Spartans
Nevada WOLFPACK vs. Purdue BOILERMAKERS

People who build boilers advance to the Sweet 16! A real Cinderella story!

WINNER: Purdue Boilermakers
Creighton BLUEJAYS vs. Iona GAELS

How many teams representing noted basketball power Ireland will we get into the Sweet 16? Here's one.

WINNER: Iona Gaels
Oklahoma State COWBOYS vs. Louisville CARDINALS

Fun fact: New Mexico State has to pay Oklahoma State to license the likeness of their Aggie mascot Pistol Pete.

WINNER: Oklahoma State Cowboys
South Dakota State JACKRABBITS vs. Vanderbilt COMMODORES

No team mascot (outside of the Troy Trojans) has ever been more appropriate than the Vanderbilt Commodores. The word "commodore" might actually mean "of Vanderbilt." I think that's right.

WINNER: Vanderbilt Commodores
Notre Dame FIGHTING IRISH vs. West Virginia MOUNTAINEERS

This is a good one. Again, mountaineers are rugged and have excellent endurance. Fighting Irish ... uh, they fight? There's no fighting in basketball.

WINNER: West Virginia MOUNTAINEERS
Xavier MUSKETEERS vs. Florida State SEMINOLES

Guns won't save you in this shooting contest. (Also, muskets were terrible firearms.)

WINNER: Florida State Seminoles
St. Mary's GAELS vs. North Dakota FIGHTING HAWKS

I'd give it to the Fighting Hawks if the l and the e in "Gaels" were switched.

WINNER: St. Mary's Gaels
North Carolina TAR HEELS vs. Seton Hall PIRATES

You could have three Jack Sparrows, eight Blackbeards, and a Roberto Clemente and you're not beating one Michael Jordan and 11 Clay Aikens.

WINNER: North Carolina Tar Heels
Middle Tennessee BLUE RAIDERS vs. Winthrop EAGLES

End the animalocracy!

WINNER: Middle Tennessee Blue Raiders
Wake Forest DEMON DEACONS vs. UCLA BRUINS

Bears are animals' best shot at making the Final Four, but those clergyman are absolutely possessed on the court.

WINNER: Wake Forest Demon Deacons
Dayton FLYERS vs. Northern Kentucky NORSE

Lauri Markkanen is from Finland, and Finland is a Nordic country. Pilots are cool and all, but Lauri Markkanen is divine.

WINNER: Northern Kentucky NORSE
Mount Saint Mary's MOUNTAINEERS vs. Virginia Tech HOKIES

Since we're allowing the actual Virginia Tech basketball team to be considered Hokies, there's no way to avoid giving them the nod here.

WINNER: Virginia Tech Hokies
Virginia CAVALIERS vs. East Tennessee State BUCCANEERS

A "cavalier" sounds cool and has a dope associated adjective, so I always assumed cavaliers were dangerous rogues. They are apparently simply bros who followed Charles I? Let's go with the pirates.

WINNER: East Tennessee State Buccaneers
USC TROJANS vs. New Mexico State AGGIES

Westerns may glorify the life of cowboys, but most of them weren't in the middle of shoot-outs and getting in bar brawls. They were rounding up livestock. The Trojans, meanwhile, were some of the greatest warriors in history. (Wait ... the Trojans were real, right?)

WINNER: USC Trojans
Marquette GOLDEN EAGLES vs. Duke BLUE DEVILS

While I now regret failing to set up a Trojans vs. Trojans battle in the Sweet 16 — who looks more athletic, USC's Tommy Trojan or Troy University's T-Roy? wait ... T-Roy? — at least we have finally rid our bracket of animals!

WINNER: Duke Blue Devils
NCAA Football: Colorado at Southern California Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports

ROUND OF 16
Michigan State SPARTANS vs. Purdue BOILERMAKERS

The Cinderella run for manufacturers of large industrial hot-water heaters is over.

WINNER: Michigan State Spartans
Iona GAELS vs. Oklahoma State COWBOYS

Down goes another set of Irish folk. What next, the Boston Celtics? (It's pronounced with a hard C. The Boston Kelt-ics.)

WINNER: Oklahoma State Cowboys
Vanderbilt COMMODORES vs. West Virginia MOUNTAINEERS

High-ranking naval officers are likely in good shape, as are mountaineers. But the former also likely skew older, and Vince Carter aside, this is a young person's sport.

WINNER: West Virginia Mountaineers
Florida State SEMINOLES vs. St. Mary's GAELS

The luck has officially run out for the Irish.

WINNER: Florida State Seminoles
North Carolina TAR HEELS vs. Middle Tennessee BLUE RAIDERS

The Avett Brothers, 9th Wonder, Ben Folds, Tori Amos, George Clinton, J. Cole, and five Michael Jordans? Sorry, sad pirates.

WINNER: North Carolina Tar Heels
Wake Forest DEMON DEACONS vs. Northern Kentucky NORSE

On the one hand, there are relatively prominent basketball players from the Nordic countries. On the other hand, top hats seem like unwieldy basketball gear.

WINNER: Northern Kentucky Norse
Virginia Tech HOKIES vs. East Tennessee State BUCCANEERS

Don't let the inexplicable presence of pirates in Johnson City, Tenn., distract you from the fact that, via loophole, we have AN ACTUAL NCAA TOURNAMENT TEAM IN THIS FANTASY BRACKET.

WINNER: Virginia Tech HOKIES
USC TROJANS vs. Duke BLUE DEVILS

Yes, the real (?) Trojans were defeated by a wooden horse (need verification). But the Blue Devils have their own Achilles heel to trip them up: the singular karmic debt that exists due to Grayson Allen, the bluest devil of them all.

WINNER: USC Trojans
ROUND OF 8
Michigan State SPARTANS vs. Oklahoma State COWBOYS

You did the 300 Workout in 2007, right? It was wild.

WINNER: Michigan State Spartans
West Virginia MOUNTAINEERS vs. Florida State SEMINOLES

Tough loss for our shockingly resilient hobbyists. The dance is over. Go climb a rock.

WINNER: Florida State Seminoles
North Carolina TAR HEELS vs. Northern Kentucky NORSE

Lauri Markkanen, Hanno Mottola, Petteri Koponen, Jonas Jerebko, Torgeir Bryn, Seymour Levov, Bjork, and some dudes from the Minnetonka Y vs. Michael Jordan and 11 Kent Bazemores.

WINNER: North Carolina Tar Heels
Virginia Tech HOKIES vs. USC TROJANS

I repeat: The Virginia Tech team is legally allowed to be the actual Virginia Tech team.

WINNER: Virginia Tech Hokies
Syracuse v North Carolina Photo by Streeter Lecka/Getty Images
FINAL FOUR
Michigan State SPARTANS vs. Florida State SEMINOLES

I'm telling you, I saw this on the History Channel. It might have been about who would win pinochle, not basketball, or maybe it was bridge. I don't know.

WINNER: Florida State Seminoles
North Carolina TAR HEELS vs. Virginia Tech HOKIES

Michael Jordan and 11 fellow North Carolinians of his choosing against the Virginia Tech men's basketball team. You think UNC has finally been beat ... until you remember Steph Curry is also technically a Tar Heel.

WINNER: North Carolina Tar Heels
CHAMPIONSHIP GAME
Florida State SEMINOLES vs. North Carolina TAR HEELS

I'd like to point out that it should be the Florida State Seminole, if the university indeed intends to retain as its mascot a tribe of Native Americans almost entirely banished from its homeland in the state where the university sits. Alas, Sean May, Dale Earnhardt, Julianne Moore, Zach Galifiniakis, Michael Jeffrey Jordan, and seven David Gergens just can't be beat. Salute.
CHAMPION: NORTH CAROLINA TAR HEELS

Here are all of the mascots, based on meanness. These are his guesses or evaluations. Enjoy.

68. Maryland Terrapins A turtle is the least threatening creature.
67. Dayton Flyers
66. Virginia Tech Hokies Too hokey.
65. UC Davis Aggies The mascot is a mustang, the nickname is an Aggie.
64. New Mexico State Aggies
63. Creighton Bluejays The bird is spelled Blue Jay.
62. Louisville Cardinals
61. Cincinnati Bearcats Same problem I had last year: Bear or cat?
Yes bearcats are real, but please pick one.
60. Texas Southern Tigers Here comes the march of the generic nicknames!
59. Princeton Tigers
58. North Carolina Central Eagles
57. Winthrop Eagles
56. Florida Gulf Coast Eagles (plead with Florida Gulf Coast to permanently change its name to Dunk City. So. Much. Cooler.)
55. Gonzaga Bulldogs
54. Butler Bulldogs
53.  Kansas State Wildcats
52. Kentucky Wildcats
51. Northwestern Wildcats
50. Villanova Wildcats
49. Arizona Wildcats
48. North Dakota Fighting Hawks "fighting" to an otherwise bland nickname.
47. Mount St. Mary's Mountaineers
46. West Virgnia Mountaineers
45. Middle Tennessee Blue Raiders
44. UNC Wilmington Seahawks
43. Iowa State Cyclones
42. Miami Hurricanes
41. Jacksonville State Gamecocks
40. South Carolina Gamecocks Gamecocks are just chickens.
39. Purdue Boilermakers
38. Wake Forest Demon Decons
37. Vanderbilt Commodores
36. Oklahoma State Cowboys
35. Providence Friars
34. Kent State Golden Flashes
33. Marquette Golden Eagles
32. Minnesota Golden Gophers the intrepid gopher suddenly becomes majestic in gold
31. Saint Mary's Gaels
30. Iona Gaels
29. Seton Hall Pirates
28. East Tennessee State Buccaneers > Pirates
27. Vermont Catamounts a catamount is a wildcat
26. Virginia Cavaliers
25. Xavier Musketeers
24. Bucknell Bison
23. VCU Rams
22. Rhode Island Rams
21. Oregon Ducks
20. Arkansas Razorbacks a wild boar coming at you at full speed, you'd be petrified.
19. UCLA Bruins
18. Baylor Bears
17. North Carolina Tar Heels
16. South Dakota State Jackrabbits
15. Nevada Wolf Pack
14. Florida State Seminoles A live mascot that has to ride a horse and carry a flaming spear
13. Wisconsin Badgers
12. Kansas Jayhawks
11.  SMU Mustangs
10. Florida Gators
9. Notre Dame Fighting Irish
8. Michigan Wolverines
7. Troy Trojans
6. USC Trojans
5. Michigan State Spartans
4. Duke Blue Devils
3. Wichita State Shockers Angry wheat dude is the best mascot
2. New Orleans Privateers From the Mariners' Museum
    A Privateer is any individual granted license to attack shipping belonging to an enemy government, Admiralty, grants them permission to raid enemy ships and keep a percentage of the spoils – so long as they pay a cut of that bounty back to the government.
1. Northern Kentucky Norse Victor E. Viking!

Thank You

You will appreciate this. It is not a screed about politics or some preaching. It is just a pleasant story of a guy doing his job.

Here is a shout out to an unknown salesman at Crosslyns Building in Smyrna. We bought our house in 1987 and noticed that the faucets seemed to drip incessantly. A stop at Crosslyns put me in touch with one of the counter men there. He told me it was probably caused by the water pressure being too high.

He loaned me a water pressure meter and we checked. (Imagine that, No charge.) It was too high. So he proceeded to show me a pressure-reducing valve. It was pretty expensive for then, but he said it would be worth it. They had some cheaper models. Then he continued and said that I should also buy an extra union joint and a water shutoff valve. He said that the pressure reducer would probably last 30 years or more, but, if and when it had to be replaced, I would be glad for the ability to cut off the water right there, and just loosen two union joints instead of having to break a solder joint.

This afternoon, I blessed that guy's memory. The pressure reducer did indeed last 30 years, but a new check found the water pressure in excess of 90 pounds. (Seventy five is the max and lower is better.)

So I crawled under the house with two big crescent wrenches, instead of a soldering torch. The pressure reducer came out with a few twists of the wrenches. I took the connector out and put it into the exact model replacement. (What are the chances of that, after 30 years?)

Back under the house and some grunting and twisting, had it back in place. It is always harder to get it back tight than to loosen it, you know. The cut off valve meant that I could just open the spigot and check for leaks, instead of crawling back out, turning on the water at the water meter, then back under to make sure that there were no leaks.

Twice he did me a favor. Now the pressure is around 50. Let's hope the knocking pipes are fixed by this. But regardless, the lower pressure will be less wear and tear on the appliances.

Thank you again, Crosslyn salesman. You saved an old man a lot of work and hassle. And, as my Dad used to say, "If something is worth doing, it is worth doing right–the first time." Thanks Dad.